Anticipation

So as I sit here tonight thinking about what lies ahead tomorrow I find myself wishing there was another day in the weekend. I had my "last supper" tonight. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, rice-a-roni, corn, and strawberry shortcake. 

Might as well get as fat as I possibly can before starting my diet whoops I meant "lifestyle change."

As I anticipate tomorrow all I can think about tonight is food-and not stuff like broccoli and chicken-stuff like McDonald's and Jack in the Box.

This past week while we were home I was talking to my mom about my obsession with food. 

She told me it is like any other addiction and that I need to just avoid it all together.

Here's the problem with avoiding food- you will end up dying. Yup its true.

I guess it is necessary for me to quit fast food cold turkey but  I have to keep eating. 

I bought groceries last night, my running shoes are next to my bed, the iPod is all charged up

and now I just have to get my head fully in the game.

I'll let you know tomorrow how I did.

Hopefully I'll have some good news to report.

Mirror

Well I am happy to report that we are now home. We had a wonderful week at home filled with so much wonderful food from the aforementioned places.

Before we went to the airport today Justin, my mother-in-law, and I went to get Justin a new suit for his brothers wedding. Ya did I mention his brother is getting married October 22nd.

Lets just take a minute and think about the fact that I will be in some of those pictures- pictures that will live on FOREVER! great!

Moving on...

As Justin was trying on his suit I was sitting in a chair directly in front of the dressing room. The door had a giant mirror on the front.

Needless to say I got a rather large view of myself.

It was not pretty!

Do you ever think to yourself- "ya I don't look THAT bad. Its okay if I eat that piece of cake "-and then the day comes that you see a picture of yourself. Or if you are lucky like me you get a full view in a mirror. 

You then realize that yes you do look THAT bad!

I have until October 22nd to lose weight.

I will fill you in on my progress.

But I won't start until Monday...

I mean I just got home and I need to get some healthy food.

Don't judge me. Okay you can judge me if you really want to.

Fat Lady Shopping

Yesterday was a very bad. no good day. Justin and I are visiting home as mentioned previously. 

Yesterday I had to go fat girl clothes shopping. Don't get me wrong I so appreciate my grandparents buying me some new clothes that actually fit me but when it comes to the point that you actually have to go shop at the fat ladies store it kinda makes you want to cry. I actually was on the verge of tears yesterday walking out of the dressing room. 

I really don't want to be THAT GIRL!

I really don't want to keep getting bigger and bigger. 

Last year when I had to shop at the fat lady store I ended up dieting and losing 30 lbs.

It was kind of my wake up call.

I think that time has come again.

When we get home next week the dieting begins again.

I DO NOT want to shop at those stores anymore!

But for now, while we are home, with all of the yummy food places, I will gorge myself. 

I mean I do have fat lady clothes now so I might as well use them for a little while ;)

Jumping for Joy

I know its pretty sad but I am beyond excited to go home not only to see my family but to eat! When you live somewhere with roughly 5 options you tend to dream about those food establishments so loved at home.

Justin and I have been compiling a mental list of places to go:

Del Taco

Carl's Jr

Peony's

PF Chang's

Rubios

Oscars

Just to name a few

Okay but in all seriousness after this next week of gorging ourselves to death it is time for me to get down to business. 

I have 6 weeks from the time we get back until the start of the next semester and you know what I'll be doing every day...

working out

&

 eating broccoli and chicken and other healthy, not very good tasting, foods

because this is my feelings towards the scale right now...

Pathetic

Its pretty sad when you are so desperate to get a large cinnastix to go along with your large pepperoni pizza that you search for change in both of your cars, in your nightstand, under the bed, every drawer, etc. But that is exactly what Justin and I did tonight. We already had a punch card filled up for the pizza so that was free and we managed to find enough change to cover the yummy delicious cinnamon sugar cream cheese frosted pieces of heaven!

Hey whatever it takes to make it happen!

Believe me it was so worth it!

Nothing Good

Alright who else out there does this? I swear I stand in the kitchen for a good 15 minutes trying to see if there is anything for me to eat. Usually I conclude that there is nothing because nothing I do have really sounds good. Or I would actually have to put effort into concocting something edible and then I would have to wait for it to cook. 

Now don't get me wrong. I actually love to cook and I think I'm pretty good at it but if I'm going to make a meal it has to be premeditated. 

I can't just walk into the kitchen for lunch and decide to whip some gourmet meal up right then and there.

I am constantly complaining to Justin that we have nothing to eat and he is constantly telling me that there is plenty. Heck he tells me we could live off of what we have in our apartment for a month is we needed to.

Well I'm sorry honey a can of corn is just not gonna cut it for this girl.

Movies

What is it with the absolute need to have popcorn and soda at a movie. Seriously. I cannot sit through a movie without super duper buttered popcorn and my diet DP. There is just something so magical about that combo. O and we can't forget the reeses pieces to eat with the popcorn. Its that whole sweet and salty thing that puts a very large smile on my face.

Luckily our cheap seats here has a deal for 2 tickets, large(unlimited popcorn), and 2 (unlimited) large drinks for 10 bucks! It doesn't get much better than that!

In the pre-previews the theater has a slide that says

Integrity?

Bringing outside food and drinks into the theater is dishonest and can ruin business

or something along those lines

Really?

Can we say guilt trip?

Confession

I have a confession to make. I love Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. I mean I love it a lot. I love it enough that when I eat it I consume a whole box all by my lonesome-and I wonder why I'm fat! DUH! No worries though I use fat free milk ;)

Its a staple around this house and even though there is only 2 of us we buy it in bulk at Sams Club.

Sad.

I know.

please be over...

I'm about ready for my brain to implode. I am over today, this week, this semester! I kinda just want to crawl up in the fetal position and rock back and forth like a crazy person-maybe humming to myself as well. And you know what, all I want to do at a time like this is eat. I can always count on my best friend to be there for me. Food never disappoints-well maybe it disappoints if it gives you food poisoning or when your ice cream falls off of your cone onto the ground :(

Other than that I love it and it loves me.

So for now as I write my never ending papers and finish all of my stupid projects I can feel better knowing that I have my Diet DP and chocolate by my side.

Dressing Room Drama

Guys-do you get as depressed as I do in the dressing room? I love clothes. I ABSOLUTELY love them. The thing I don't love- being too fat to fit into them. I went to the mall today and tried some stuff on and wanted to cry when I looked at myself in the mirror. I mean its bad-my upper arms now have that whole ripple fat effect. Seriously not good. I have a closet full of clothes yet I can wear none of them because they don't fit.

The worst part of it is that not only do I feel like a cow I actually look like one and feeling like a cow just makes me want to eat more. So I sit here with my ripply arms and my sad disposition eating because that is what makes me feel better.

unfortunately...

I love Chinese food. Even more unfortunate-i live in Idaho. Pretty much self explanatory. One big sacrifice of living in the land of the potato is the fact that there are no good places to eat other than the kind that sell french fries. Wonder why?

I miss my southern California where there is so much diversity.

So tonight Justin and I are venturing into a Mongolian Grill and I pray that it is good because my taste buds are begging me for some tasty Chinese! Now lets not fool anybody-of course I don't like real, authentic Chinese food- Yuck! I like the fake, Americanized stuff!!

Grateful for...

soup. That's right guys-today soup has been my very best friend-well besides my diet DP. I was lucky enough to have a root canal done this morning. The worst part of dental work for me is not the pain. The worst part for me is the fact that I can't eat after. Seriously you might as well kill me right then and there. Luckily some genius in the world invented soup. So a couple hours after my root canal I had some delicious soup. The best part is that it just slid right down my throat-no chewing required. So today I thank whoever invented soup because heaven forbid I might lose any weight from not eating!

Why does...

Fast food have to be so bad for you? Why do they make it taste so yummy and delicious if it is just going to eventually end up killing me?

You know how they have the commercials for fast food places with the really skinny, attractive people? Come on now lets be a little more realistic people. We all know that fast food regulars do not look like that!

Even though I know that its bad for me I CAN'T STOP CONSUMING IT!!

Those commercials get me every time. It comes on, I watch, and then I crave.

I end up driving over there, ordering, returning home, eating, feeling wonderful, and then feeling bad that I just ate it!

Its a vicious cycle.

I remember my mom telling me in high school that I didn't think it was dinner unless it came out a drive thru window.

True, very true.

Does this count?

Okay so I didn't do 30 minutes of "proper exercise" today but I did walk to and from my car to class as well as in between classes. Does that count? I'll just tell myself it does ;)

I just got too overwhelmed with all of my stupid homework.

That's really just an excuse but I'm sticking to it.

Maybe tomorrow?

Do you ever...

just feel like this cat looks because you just ate waaay too much? Well that's me right now and I ate almost 4 hours ago and I still feel sick. You want to know what I had for lunch today? A veggie sandwich from a place called Gator Jacks. As I was standing in line waiting to order I was going over in my head whether I wanted a 6 inch or an 8 inch. Logically a 6 inch would do the trick but heaven forbid I might finish eating my 6 inch and still be hungry so to be on the safe side I ordered the 8 inch. I happily returned home, grabbed one of my diet DPs from the fridge, turned on E News, and plopped down on the couch. One of my favorite times of the day had arrived. Lunch time! I just love sitting my lazy butt on the cushy couch, watching some stupid show, and eating! Well I started eating and man did it taste good. After the first half was gone I was pretty much already full but hey I paid good money for the darn thing and it tasted so good so I continued to eat and eat and eat until it was gone. Every last morsel. Then I felt sick. Incredibly satisfied but sick. So now, 4 hours later I sit here attempting to write my stupid paper for class just thinking about how gross I feel. Hmm I wonder what I'm going to make for dinner?

Confession & Goal

See that look on his face? The look of pure satisfaction and enjoyment. That is pretty much me when I take a sip of my ice cold diet DP. You know how I said that I was giving up Diet DP "at home" well it doesn't really work out too well when you just go get one at the gas station every meal. Justin pointed out that we were spending way more money that way so I gave in and bought some today at Walmart. It feels wonderful to have such a close friend back in our home ;) Baby steps people, baby steps. Now with DP back by my side maybe I'll work up enough energy to exercise. Maybe. We'll see. It is nearing the end of the semester which means LOTS of stuff is due and my stress level is high which as we've already established previously makes me eat more. But I'll set a goal for tomorrow anyways...

At least 30 minutes of exercise. I guess I could read for class on a stationary bike with one of those big granny butt seats. Oh and a back rest. I think that might be manageable.

just to clear things up

I did not mean for this blog to seem as some cry for help. I meant it as an honest representation of my life infused with a bit of humor. I think that many people can relate to what I feel like but no one is as open to talk about it as I am. I love life and I just happen to love food too. Now whats so wrong with that ;)

in class this morning...

Was I focusing on the Counter Reformation and effective teaching strategies this morning in class? Nope. I was thinking about what I was going to have for lunch-running over the lists of places I could go which in the thriving metropolis of Rexburg is not very many- and began drooling at the thought of eating. And you know what is pathetic- I was thinking I would go to the school cafeteria and get one of their really yummy sandwiches but decided against it when I figured I would have to walk from my car over there and back which is probably no more than 300 feet. But why would I physically exert myself in any way? Instead I went to another sandwich place in town where I got to park right in front of it. From there I proceeded to go to the gas station down the street for a diet DP and some hostess cupcakes. Wow I'm bad. Now just having finished that and being completely content and happy I have to head to the doctor to talk about my blood pressure, migraines, fatigue, and prediabetes. Yay! Go me! Happy Tuesday y'all!

Extra fun?

You know its getting bad when it is now summer time and none of your "summer clothes" fit. Not one single pair of capri's or shorts. When you have to wrap a rubber band around the button and through the loop just to get your pants to somewhat close something is very, very wrong. Happy 4th!

You know when...

You see someone after they have been gone a while and you think to yourself-man they have let themselves go. You really notice because you weren't around for the gradual weight gain- you just get to see the end result.

Well that person that everyone is going to be talking about is ME.

Justin and I are flying home in less than three weeks and I as much as I am sooo sooo excited to go home and see our families I am dreading the fact that it will have been almost 5 months since we were home last and these past months have not been good to me.

I don't want to get off of the plane and be embarrassed and wonder what everyone is thinking of when they take one look at what they think to be Casey. Yup people, that IS me, and I'm not even pregnant or anything- just nice and fat and unhealthy and not happy about it. Here's the kicker, you would think being so unhappy about it would act as some catalyst for change but it doesn't.

I always read these stories of people who say their turning point came when they saw a picture of themselves-nope seen plenty of those and nothing, nadda, zip.

Or they say they decided it was time when someone mistakenly asked if they were pregnant- nope had that happen too and still nothing (mind you they asked me if I was in the "early stages" of pregnancy. who does that?)

Or they were given the news that they had high blood pressure and were prediabetic- nope still apparently not enough.

Food always wins. It is my greatest foe.

This is the one thing in my life that I feel I have no control over. Its not like drugs where you just give it up and then never have to be around them again.

With food you have to eat it-it is life sustaining.

In my case, however, it could eventually be life-ending.

I know what I am doing to myself but that light bulb, that magical moment, still hasn't happened yet.

Someday.

So for now I get to go home in 3 weeks embarrassed about my weight, self-conscious of what others are thinking in their heads, wondering if I will ever be able to beat my greatest obsession-food.

Mmm Mmm Good

Justin and I have a new favorite around here.

We picked up some of this steak at Sams Club and man is it good in tacos!

We just take a corn tortilla and melt some cheese on it

a little steak

some avocado

sauteed onions and bell pepper

and some corn

so good and so easy.

It only took me about 45 minuted to eat 4 of them due to the fact that I'm almost positive I'm going to need a root canal behind one of my veneers and I can't really chew...you should see me I look like a cow trying to grind it down slowly.

Try it out you won't regret it! Not my method of chewing-the tacos!

No Pickle or Tomato Please

As I sat last night around 7:30 thinking about what I wanted for dinner- but knowing I was too lazy to make anything- Burger King popped in my head. Now I'm not a lover of Burger King usually but when you live in a town with pretty much 5 options to eat at your expectations are a little lower. I knew I should probably grill a chicken breast and eat some broccoli but why would I when I can eat a meal that is easily 1200 calories at best. So I had a little internal battle with myself for a good 15 minutes...

Rational: Should I go? Really do I need to?

Food addict: Of course you should go. Think of that juicy cheeseburger and those salty fries all washed down with that diet coke (now remember I only said I wasn't going to have soda at home-that by no means means I wont order it when I'm out!)

Rational: Yes, but you always feel fat and gross and this will just add to it.

Food addict: This one meal isn't going to make that big of a difference, plus i feel feel so good when I eat it.

Rational: Maybe this one meal won't make a difference but when you eat like this practically every meal it will.

Food Addict: O well. I'll eat better next time. Burger King here I come.

Fast Food: 1

Me: 0

Needless to say I did eat that meal and it was delicious when I ate it and then I felt gross afterwards. You think after repeating this cycle over and over again I would learn, but nope, i don't.

What is it with...

my love of Diet Dr. Pepper? I feel euphoric every time I take a sip. I used to be highly addicted to Coke. I absolutely HATED the taste of diet anything and then all of the sudden one day I decided it was vitally important that I make the switch.

It took 2 weeks of wanting to throw up to finally train my taste buds to enjoy diet. It was all over from then.

I was officially in love.

I also felt better because I was drinking diet not regular so I was minus the calories, right?

I didn't feel like people will judging me every time I got a soda like they did when I drank regular.

Now fast forward 9 months and I am a bonafied addict of diet DP. From one addiction to the next-why not?

Well when I realized that I was going through a 24 pack a week (minus a few that Justin drank) not including the ones I would have while eating out I realized something needed to be done!

I have made the all important decision to ban it from our home-

I can still have one every once in a while when we are out. I mean I can't just give it all up-that is insanity- and props to all of you out there with that much will power.

A Love Affair

As long as I can remember I have had a love affair with food. I LOVE it! The worst part is that I especially love all of the food that is bad for me. As soon as I got my license I started my full-blown addiction to fast food. I would show up to first period with Del Taco, after school I would head to Carl's Jr., after basketball practice maybe I'd swing by McDonald's, and I would do it all over again the next day. Senior year we were supposed to come up with a project that represented something about us. Of course I thought I would do my project on my love of fast food. For 2 weeks prior to the presentation I had friends take pictures of me eating at all of my favorite places. I made a poster will all of the pictures and listed my favorite things at each place. I then served everyone in my class half of a Costco hot dog (one of my absolute favorite things). My teacher was genuinely worried about my health! It was funny. I didn't even think twice about it. I played three sports, I was very active, and I maintained my weight until...college! As soon as I got to school I ate and ate and ate-the same as I had always done but instead of playing three sports and being active I sat on the couch and did homework. The pounds slowly crept on. Then Justin and I got married. Needless to say I am now 60 lbs heavier than I was when I graduated high school and obviously my eating habits have caught up with me. I had high cholesterol when I was 19. Now I take medication for high blood pressure and I am prediabetic. I am constantly tired, I sweat like crazy, and I get completely winded when I walk up the stairs to class. This is sad! I just turned 22 this past Wednesday! 22 year olds are not supposed to have these problems! Last time I had my body fat measured I was 47% fat! That is almost half of me that is fat!!! Now I realize that this is totally unacceptable and I am constantly thinking about the fact that I need to lose weight- the problem is I am a food addict and food does for me what heroin does for drug addicts. It makes me feel happy and content only to leave me feeling guilty and ashamed moments after I finish. Some symptoms of a food addiction are:

• Obsessed with thoughts about food
• Eats to relieve worry or stress
• Eats until they feel sick
• Overeats because the food is there
• Eats everything on the plate even when they feel full
• Feels guilty when they overeat
• Does not like the feeling of being hungry
• Sees food as something to be avoided or as harmful

When I look at this list I find myself reading through it relating to every bullet point. I think about food from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep at night. As soon as I eat breakfast I am thinking about what I am going to have for lunch and as soon as I eat lunch I am planning my dinner. Last year I lost 28 lbs only to find that I have gained it all back! It is totally depressing. I feel like a loser! Why can I not conquer this? Some people tell me that I just don't want it bad enough or that I just need to have more will power. Research has shown that when you eat fatty, salty, sugary foods your brain releases Dopamine (the feel good chemical) the same as it does when you do drugs. As much as I want to stop, as much as I want to lose weight and be healthier my body craves and needs those bad foods. I find myself craving something and I have to get my "fix" or I can't do anything else. It is all I can think about.

I have decided to use this blog as my outlet. This will be the place I share with the world my triumphs as well as my failures. Overcoming a food addiction will not be an overnight thing. It is going to be a process. I know I am going to struggle. I know that it is going to be hard but a 22 year old should not have the problems that I have. Here's to the journey!