You know when...

You see someone after they have been gone a while and you think to yourself-man they have let themselves go. You really notice because you weren't around for the gradual weight gain- you just get to see the end result.

Well that person that everyone is going to be talking about is ME.

Justin and I are flying home in less than three weeks and I as much as I am sooo sooo excited to go home and see our families I am dreading the fact that it will have been almost 5 months since we were home last and these past months have not been good to me.

I don't want to get off of the plane and be embarrassed and wonder what everyone is thinking of when they take one look at what they think to be Casey. Yup people, that IS me, and I'm not even pregnant or anything- just nice and fat and unhealthy and not happy about it. Here's the kicker, you would think being so unhappy about it would act as some catalyst for change but it doesn't.

I always read these stories of people who say their turning point came when they saw a picture of themselves-nope seen plenty of those and nothing, nadda, zip.

Or they say they decided it was time when someone mistakenly asked if they were pregnant- nope had that happen too and still nothing (mind you they asked me if I was in the "early stages" of pregnancy. who does that?)

Or they were given the news that they had high blood pressure and were prediabetic- nope still apparently not enough.

Food always wins. It is my greatest foe.

This is the one thing in my life that I feel I have no control over. Its not like drugs where you just give it up and then never have to be around them again.

With food you have to eat it-it is life sustaining.

In my case, however, it could eventually be life-ending.

I know what I am doing to myself but that light bulb, that magical moment, still hasn't happened yet.

Someday.

So for now I get to go home in 3 weeks embarrassed about my weight, self-conscious of what others are thinking in their heads, wondering if I will ever be able to beat my greatest obsession-food.