confessions of a pregnant food obsessed girl...

Okay so I realize it has been a VERY long time since I have written a post.

 For the few of you who don't know by now I am pregnant.

And I am lucky enough to be one of those special people who have "morning sickness" ALL DAY LONG!!!

This is a family trait and although in my family it is a good sign of a good pregnancy I just really wish I could be one of those girls who has one of those pregnancies that just breezes by without any of the nausea or throwing up.

This brings about a whole new side to the food obsessed girl that I am.

I now eat whatever sounds good at that very moment knowing that an hour or two later its just going to make its way back up.

I also gauge meals on what will be easily regurgitated.

For example, the other night Rubio's was sounding especially delicious.

So I ate it.

If you have never eaten at Rubios before let me just tell you that their tortilla chips are very yummy but they are very very hard.

I think you can gather why I am talking about chips and regurgitating.

Lets just say it was painful.

But yet I ate them again the other day just because they sounded good.

When I met with my doctor last week he was telling me how I should really be trying to eat an organic diet and all that jazz...

I was just thinking-ya right buddy-I would just like to keep one meal down.

Needless to say this food obsessed girl is not too worried about dieting right now.

Needless to say this food obsessed girl is beyond excited to become a mom.

And needless to say my posts will be a little different for the coming months.

Feel free to keep reading or if you have a weak stomach feel free to come back and visit in 7 months or so...

I learned a very important lesson tonight...

It was a long day. I was tired. I didn't feel like making dinner.

Being that Justin has never made anything more than grilled cheese or a bowl of cereal we thought

it would be okay to go out tonight. 

Just this once.

Well believe me it was not okay.

In fact it was a very very bad idea.

We went to a Mexican place in town.

As soon as we got home the toilet was calling my name. 

Maybe a bit gross I know but learn from my mistake.

If you have been eating healthy and your body is all nice and clean 

DO NOT-I REPEAT DO NOT

put crap into your belly.

It may taste good going in but it doesn't feel too good coming out...

One Workout

This is so so true. As hard as it is to get to the gym once I go I feel AMAZING!! 

I know this sounds sad but again I am actually surprised we have been doing so well.

I guess the old adage holds true that the only way to be successful is to do it for you and only you.

This time I truly am doing it for me-most importantly my health.

Well and it doesn't hurt to lose a few pounds before I start my student teaching.

8th graders can be brutal... 

One Week Down...

The first week has now come to a close.

I am happy to report that 

I lost 3.8 lbs 

and 

Justin lost 9.3 lbs

What the heck?!?!

I don't get it. Why is it fair that men lose weight sooo much faster than women!

O well its okay I guess.

I'll take my 3.8 because it is something and at this point i'll take anything ;)

Here's to next week...

Lights out

I guess this is sort of how I feel except instead of alligators I have the threat of diabetes. 

But hey that's fine by me cause it seems to be working.

I don't think I have ever had this much motivation.

Day 4 has now come to a close and I am still going strong... surprisingly!

However we did get to indulge just a little bit tonight because our friends had us up to dinner.

Not to worry we headed to the gym straight afterwards 

and stayed until they shut the lights off...

Day 2 & 3

I am happy to report that yesterday and today have been very successful.

And its sad to admit but I am actually a teeny bit surprised. 

I guess the diabetes scare did it.

Being that I quit fast food and diet DP cold turkey I have been experiencing some withdraws. 

For instance yesterday I was having a lot of anxiety-I think my body is detoxing from the fast food.

Not to mention the ripping migraines from the lack of caffeine.

Combine that with bratty 7th graders at the Jr. High and I thought I was pretty much going to die.

Today however was much better-except

Today is when the cravings started to kick in.

Today was a day I said no.

I'm sure there will be many more days like that to face.

Justin and I also went to the gym tonight and last night. 

Go us!

Here's to making it through tomorrow!

One day at a time...

Day 1 Success

So after being totally and utterly terrified on Friday I feel like I finally have the motivation I need!!

The diet didn't really start until today...

I mean what was two more days of eating crap going to do to me ;)

We went shopping on Saturday.

I made a menu plan and started prepping for the week.

If its not instantly ready I will find something else so preparation is key.

Probably hence my fast food addiction. It's FAST!!

Today was a success!

Mind you I did spend 3 hours at church today and then took about a 3 hour nap...

but still for the hours I was awake and around food I exhibited self control!

Go me!

Now on to tomorrow where we incorporate exercise...

black line?

On Saturday Justin noticed I had a black line along the base of my neck. We both thought it was from the apron I had been wearing as part of my "Flo" from the progressive commercial costume and forgot all about it. 

This morning as I was getting ready for school I looked in the mirror at the back of my hair, as everyone should do, (have you ever seen an old lady with a flat spot or bald spot in the back of her hair-that's why you should always look) anyhoo I noticed that the line was still there...

After scrubbing it for a good minute with a washcloth and having no success at removing it I started to freak out a little bit.

So like any normal person with a mysterious black line on their neck would do I went straight to Web MD.

I found this...

And being that I am overweight and diabetes runs in my family I can to the conclusion that I must be diabetic.

After class I went to Urgent Care-they did a blood test-I am not YET diabetic.

Talk about the needed motivation.

I HAVE to do something to change.

Seriously... 

Why...

Why is this what always happens to me?

I decide in my head that I am going to do it. I am finally going to eat better! 

And then...

 5 minutes later I will smell McDonald's,

or a piece if cake,

or some french fries.

And then that resolution to be better flies right out the darn window while I am sitting in the drive thru!

It's been a while...

I know its been a while. I just haven't really had much to write about.

This past weekend was my brother-in-laws wedding. 

For months before hand I kept telling myself that I needed to lose weight.

And did it happen? No.

So the wedding came and I am still looking like a giant marshmallow puff and believe 

me the pictures reflect this very thing.

You would think by looking at the pictures and seeing that I can no longer "hide" my fat especially the fat on my face I would be motivated enough to start doing something about it.

Well when we went grocery shopping the other night I got some "healthy" items fully intending on eating them. Its now two days later and after a McDonald's breakfast and lunch, an Italian buffet, and about 6 slices of pizza for dinner tonight you can tell its not going so well.

Can someone give me the motivation and willpower I so desperately need??

There is no reason that I should be like this. 

I eat when I'm happy

I eat when I'm sad

I eat when I'm anxious

I eat when I'm bored

I just pretty much eat all day long

and it never seems to stop...

I read all of these wonderful stories about people who have done it-people who have lost the weight.

I want so badly to be one of those people.

Someday maybe.

So...

So after my last post and observing really just how bad I look I decided enough was enough for like the bazillionth time this year. We shall see how long this lasts.

Day 1 is complete of the South Beach Diet.

Day 1 is also complete of Zumba Wii Fitness.

My sweet husband surprised me with it a few days ago after I had been eyeing it.

Speaking of looking bad you should see me Zumba ;)

Now let me tell you that I am sick and congested at this very moment so completing a 20 minute Zumba workout was very difficult BUT I did it AND I will have you know that it ranked me as a Zumba Pro.

I'll work my way up to the hour workout when I can breath again. 

Furthermore I WANT BREAD!!!

For those of you who don't know about the South Beach Diet phase 1 lasts 2 weeks and carbs and fruit are banned!

It is supposed to rid you of your cravings to help you proceed with the rest of the diet wherein you add back in "good carbs" and fruit.

My doctor recommended it to me because she said I have too much of that dreaded belly fat.

Really lady?!? You think? I had no idea!! HAHA

So here is wishing me luck on day 2...

a year in review...

 

Okay so as horrifying as it is for me to share this with you I must because this blog is about laying it all out there.

We have just recently hit our year mark on our time here in Idaho.

I was looking through pictures over the last year and I noticed a trend...

Progressively over the last year I have gotten fatter and fatter. I'll let the above pictures do the talking. 

I mean seriously check out the difference in those two faces.

Gross!

The first picture was 30 lbs ago.

That's right I've gained back all of the 30 lbs lost at the beginning of 2010 and if its possible I think I look worse now than I did then.

Not to mention the fact that NONE of my clothes fit.

Which is a big bummer because I have a whole closet full of cute clothes that are just sitting their crying because they don't get to be shown to the world- and believe me they wouldn't be happy if they were shown to the world on this body right now because they wouldn't look so good with all the rolls!

So after looking back at this past year and seeing the physical proof of my self neglect and gluttonous eating I decided it was time to go to the gym...

So I went tonight for an hour-that was of course after I had a large helping of homemade macaroni and cheese. Don't worry I had some asparagus too. One step at a time!

I love to go out to eat...

This past week my in-laws came to town to hang out with us for a few days.

I was so excited to go to the Bodies Exhibit, white water raft down the Snake river, and just hang out but you know what I was WAY excited for? Eating out. Yup that's right. I am that pathetic. The whole

week before they came I was just thinking about all of the different places we would eat at-just thinking about it made my mouth salivate. 

Its like when I get excited to go on a road trip-not for the drive because I hate being in the car.

Nope I get excited for road trips because of the fast food stops. 

So sad.

They came, we had a ton of fun, and we ate.

I was one happy camper.

Mirror vs. Camera

What is the deal with this? Really?!?! Why is it that when I am getting ready and I look in the mirror at the finished product I think- dang I look pretty good! And then...someone takes a picture of me...or I make them take a picture of me.

You know what happens every single time. I am disgusted.

Really disgusted.

What happened to that girl in the mirror.

O ya that's right- I must have one of those magic mirrors that tells me I look good every day.

Its like when you go to Disneyland or some other large gathering place and you sit and watch the people pass by (BTW that is one of my favorite past times-it makes me feel better about myself) and you think to yourself-I want whatever mirror they're looking into that's telling them they look good. 

The sad, and scary thing is I think I have that mirror!

Lying?

So I gave up soda for 2 whole days and then I decided that it is just too tasty to do without. Yes, I realize that the chemicals in it are bad for me. Yes, I know I could do without the caffeine but there is something so satisfying about that ice cold sip of diet DP/ diet Coke, whichever it may be.

Justin told me he swears I "give up" soda at least 20 times a year and I only last a few days. One time I lasted 3 whole months. I know, crazy right?

Then I had a sip and I was hooked AGAIN!

I really wonder if they are lying to us when they say they don't put actual coke (the drug) in coke (the drink) anymore...

Dear Diet,

Okay so I know its been a while since I posted last. I must be honest with you because this is what this blog is all about. There is no sugar coating or skirting around the cold-hard truth. 

I lost my diet and exercise steam pretty fast.

I think  most all of us do.

Why do you think the diet industry is so huge.

You get this burst of motivation.

You tell yourself you are going to eat only healthy things,

You are going to exercise every single day,

You are going to lose that 50 lbs for that upcoming wedding but at the end of the day most of us

fail.

It is sad but it is the truth.

I did good for the first few days but then that stinking McDonald's started calling my name

and then it was Taco Bell

and then Wendy's...

I think you get the picture.

That darn fast food addiction of mine is pretty powerful.

Why does my disdain for myself not last when a brownie is put in front of me?

Why is that I feel ugly and fat all of the time except for meal times.

I don't get it.

Anyways, 

does this happen to you?

Is this a universal thing?

Someday I may find the willpower that has staying power...

until then...

Comical

Justin and I went to our friends house for dinner tonight. I found myself telling them that there is a chick-fil-a coming soon in a city close by. When our host said he thought it was just okay I exclaimed with such passion, 

"YOU HAVE TO TRY THE POLYNESIAN SAUCE!!!"

How pathetic. I get so excited over my condiments. 

Really I cannot eat fries or chicken strips or nuggets without some good dipping sauce.

I mean have you tried the polynesian sauce from chick-fil-a?

It is sent from heaven. No lie. 

I could probably drink the stuff.

Well actually, now that I think about it, probably not.

But I have no problem dunking every single teensy weensy bite of whatever it is that I'm eating into that wonderful goodness.

When I proclaimed my love of polynesian sauce our hostess laughed.

She laughed because it really is quite comical that I love my food and condiments and drinks so much.

Now if only I knew when that place will be opening...

Pretty Please

Pretty please can I look like this? Not the weird awkward stance and the immodest dress but the slender bod.

Pretty Please?

Justin and I went to see Transformers 3 tonight in the cheap seats and while I thought the movie was awesome all I could do was envy her and wish that somehow, someday I could look anywhere close to this.

Now I know this really will never happen.

My family is just not built like this.

I am not built like this.

I will never ever look like this but I can definitely try to look better.

If only I was rich and famous and could have my own

personal trainer

nutritionist

and chef.

But no I am not rich and famous and am only left up to my own devices and my will power-which I might add fails me quite often.

 A girl can dream can't she...

Darth Vader

I've often wondered why my "drug" of choice has always been food. Where did it begin? Why do I love it so much and why does it make me feel so good?

I reward myself with food.

I sedate myself with food.

I eat when I'm happy.

I eat when I'm sad.

I eat because there is nothing else to do.

I've always wished that I was one of those people that loves to exercise-that every time something good or bad happens they go for a run...

Seems crazy I know but there are actually people that do that.

I guess they get from running what I get from eating.

I love the warm fuzzy feeling that comes with a full belly.

That feeling of pure satisfaction and contentment 

followed by feelings of self-loathing because I can't button my pants.

Most of us know the feeling.

However,

I did go running yesterday and it felt WONDERFUL.

The sore muscles not so much but then again they made me remember that I had actually done something to warrant them.

I would have gone today but I'm supposed to take it slow according to my running plan.

 I will go again tomorrow. 

Little side note:

Last night when I went for a run at the schools indoor track there were two girls walking.

They were taking up all four lanes.

I ran up behind and said excuse me and about scared the pants out of the pregnant one (so glad I didn't make her go into labor)

What I couldn't understand though was how she didn't here me running up behind here. 

I sounded like Darth Vader breathing so heavy.

I am out of shape for sure.

O and just FYI if you taste blood when you run its normal.

I asked my doctor.

Apparently for out of shape people like myself it is our lungs trying to build up.

Anyways I will go running again tomorrow and maybe eventually I can become one of those crazies that 

loves to run.

Someday.

Maybe.

If I'm lucky.

Or I guess if I work hard enough at it.

I need to eat a skinny person...

If only it were that easy. I have envied maybe even despised-who am I kidding I do despise-those people who can eat whatever they darn well please and who never seem to gain a single pound-not one single stinking pound.

Really?!

I would like to know what they did so great in the preexistence that they were blessed with "skinny genes."

While we are on the topic of skinny genes lets talk about the other type of "skinny jeans."

Unless you weigh 80 pounds and have no curves whatsoever you should not wear them

I repeat DO NOT WEAR SKINNY JEANS!!

I mean come on.

From personal experience (only between me and the dressing room mirror I might add) I know that skinny jeans make me look like an upside down triangle.

Not pretty folks. Not pretty at all.

And from observing all those who wear them who aren't 80 pounds with zero curves they look like upside down triangles as well.

Moving on...

So this morning-well really afternoon-when I got ready I looked at all of my beautiful, wonderful clothes I felt sad because there are really only like 3 shirts that fit me right now.

The shirts I got when I went fat girl shopping. 

Remember that?

Well I picked out one of my fat girl shirts... I've been rotating everyday...and got ready.

And in the spirit of yesterdays post I looked in the mirror and named 5 things I liked about myself.

It made me feel better.

You should do it too.

Now you would all be happy to know in an attempt to wear something other than my three fat girl shirts I am leaving shortly to go for a run...

lets be honest

more of a walk/jog type deal

but I am attempting to start a running program even though I know I will end up with horrendous shin splints.

However, I see all of these happy runners who claim to have that "runners high" and peace of mind and I want in on that too.

So here I go, getting off my butt, running shoes on, iPod in hand, off to take the first step towards a new goal.

Love Yourself

Do you ever look back and kick yourself for not appreciating what you once had?

I remember all through high school thinking that I was this huge fat cow and now looking back at pictures I wonder what the heck was wrong with me.

I looked HOT!

Now believe me I am not really a self absorbed person- okay maybe just sometimes- but really I was looking pretty darn good.

And I was too stupid to appreciate it.

I have come to the conclusion that the female race will always be unhappy with themselves.

They will find something that they THINK is wrong with them

and obsess over what all of the other imperfect women are thinking about them.

Women really don't work out, get dressed up, or put on makeup for men...

It's for other women.

We all do it.

We all judge each other.

Why can't we all just accept that no one is perfect and just because someone is carrying around a few extra pounds doesn't mean they are not beautiful, smart, witty, etc.

I get the whole heath thing-yes it is important to do the right things so that you will live a long, happy, healthy life. 

Well you know what-

There is no knowing if I'll get hit by a bus tomorrow so if I want that brownie I'm going to eat it.

I'm not going to eat a brownie three times a day for the rest of life, but if I want one here and there I'm not going to feel guilty about it.

I am going to make important changes. 

I am going to care more about this body I have been given but I am going to stop obsessing.

I am going to start loving myself again.

I am probably never going to attain my high school body-I don't think most of us will-but I can be proud of myself-for the wonderful qualities I do have.

I need to stop comparing myself to others or thinking that people like me less because I am overweight.

I am that same person 50 lbs heavier that I was 50lbs lighter and I think I am pretty awesome.

So there. Taker it or leave it.

And please start loving yourself too!

You are amazing and wonderful!

Sorry to get all deep on you.

Refill Please

So we went to dinner tonight with our friends Sean and Emily.

I kinda felt like throwing a fork at our waitress as shown above to try to get her attention.

I honestly hate when you see your server standing in the back chatting it up with her friends while your soda has been sitting there empty for the past 10 minutes.

Isn't that what shes getting paid for?

I mean I'm not usually a very demanding customer but I do need a drink to be able to enjoy my food.

When she would finally mosey on over and we would ask her to get us refills it would take another 10 minutes for her to bring them back.

Plus she would act annoyed.

I've never been a server so I can't really relate but if you want a tip from me lady you better keep my Diet Coke filled or we're going to have some problems ;)

Just Say No

Justin and I went to see "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" tonight which I have to say was a great movie. 

One of my favorite things about the movies is a large popcorn and diet DP. I am happy to report that I had neither. Just my nails to bit on. Don't worry I didn't eat them-that would be disgusting!

Anyways I figure that I really don't need popcorn and a soda at the movies. 

Its the small changes that matter.

Or that's just what I'm going to keep telling myself because I'd rather be getting thinner like the actors not fatter like the audience.

No one has ever told me that I looked thin and I don't think I ever will be told that. 

I'm just not built like a twig.

I've got lovely lady lumps and bumps and rolls. HA HA.

I would however like to be at a healthy weight.

So for that reason I passed on the buttery goodness and ice cold heaven tonight.

The scale better be good to me in the morning!

Dry Ice on a Tooth Ache?

Remember a few posts ago when I mentioned I had a tooth ache. Well I went to the dentist today. He tapped  on all of the teeth in the general region of the pain and then he decided it would be a good idea to put from dry ice to my teeth. What a great idea. I already have pain so lets just make me jump out of seat. 

After not being able to fully assess what tooth was causing me the problems he did a filling on one of the teeth that "might" be the source of pain. Well now that the numbness is gone it still hurts. Great. Lucky me.

Oh and not to mention I chipped off half of my left bottom molar when I was home. 

I explained to the dentist that it happened while I was eating chips, sunbathing at the beach.

He asked me what kind of chips they were. 

I proceeded to tell him that they were mesquite barbecue kettle chips and that they are absolutely delicious.

He said that chips are the worst for teeth.

I responded with a  ya but have you every tried mesquite barbecue kettle chips? 

They are well worth it. 

Well maybe not because now I need a crown which costs like five bazillion dollars but I'm not blaming it on the chips.

I'm blaming it on my already horrid, decaying teeth.

But seriously if you haven't tried those chips go get some NOW!!!

They are heavenly.

Oops

So today didn't go quiet as planned. 

I realized I forgot to set my alarm last night when I woke up at 11:30 this morning-

maybe it had something to do with the fact that I didn't go to sleep until about 1:30

I met Justin for lunch, went to the library to check out a few books (one of which was entitled Run Your Butt Off-yup I'm actually going to attempt to do just that very thing), and then came home to pick up the apartment.

After all of this excitement I drove an hour and fifteen minutes to pick up my friends from the airport.

As I was sitting there waiting for them I got a call informing me that they had flown over the city and then because of some malfunction turned around and flew back to where they came from...

They then waited for a different plane-which ended up being several different planes...

This leads me to the part of my day that didn't quiet go as planned.

I was by myself, it was dinner time, and I had to wait to hear from them to see when they would get in.

I drove around and didn't see any healthy options for dinner but I did see

FIVE GUYS

Yup I went in.

I usually make fun of the people who are eating alone in places and lo and behold I was the loser eating by myself tonight.

And there was some creepy old guy who stared at me the whole time- maybe he knew I was cheating on my diet!

O well.

I must share my failures as well as my accomplishments.

Today was a failure.

So anyways I left our home at 4:45 tonight and just got back home at 10.

Tomorrow will be better.

I'll remember to set my alarm tonight.

Sweat

Today was much better than yesterday. 

I don't know why it is so hard for me to actually get up the motivation to go to the gym because once I'm there I remember how much I love it.

Exercise gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy! 

-Elle Woods

And we all know I need all the endorphins I can get!

I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, 30 minutes on the stationary bike, 20 minutes walking/jogging the track, and 10 minutes of shooting hoops. 

Not too shabby for my first day back from the couch ;)

However I must say that I really hate the grey shirts we have to wear to the school gym...they show all of my nasty sweat.

Its a darn good thing I'm already married because I definitely wouldn't be picking up any dates with my horrid perspiring body!

It was a darn good thing I went in the morning too because come mid-afternoon the migraine was back in full force-despite my consumption of my cherished diet DP.

Now I sit here with a horrendous tooth ache praying I'll be able to fall asleep and make it to the dentist in the morning.

Hope all of you enjoy your gym time in whatever shirt you desire that hides your sweat.

Someday, Someday...

World's Worst Migraine

I had every intention of working out today. However, this plan was thwarted by the world's worst migraine.

You see I decided that I would quit my beloved diet DP cold turkey. BAD IDEA!!! 

Seriously never do it.

So I went to get a few things from the store tonight- one of which was some of my elixir of life.

I guess I'm going to have to wean myself off.

So I am sad to report that today no sweat inducing workout was done other than doing the dishes in our un-air conditioned apartment. 

We did have a yummy dinner though recipe found here

Anticipation

So as I sit here tonight thinking about what lies ahead tomorrow I find myself wishing there was another day in the weekend. I had my "last supper" tonight. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, rice-a-roni, corn, and strawberry shortcake. 

Might as well get as fat as I possibly can before starting my diet whoops I meant "lifestyle change."

As I anticipate tomorrow all I can think about tonight is food-and not stuff like broccoli and chicken-stuff like McDonald's and Jack in the Box.

This past week while we were home I was talking to my mom about my obsession with food. 

She told me it is like any other addiction and that I need to just avoid it all together.

Here's the problem with avoiding food- you will end up dying. Yup its true.

I guess it is necessary for me to quit fast food cold turkey but  I have to keep eating. 

I bought groceries last night, my running shoes are next to my bed, the iPod is all charged up

and now I just have to get my head fully in the game.

I'll let you know tomorrow how I did.

Hopefully I'll have some good news to report.

Mirror

Well I am happy to report that we are now home. We had a wonderful week at home filled with so much wonderful food from the aforementioned places.

Before we went to the airport today Justin, my mother-in-law, and I went to get Justin a new suit for his brothers wedding. Ya did I mention his brother is getting married October 22nd.

Lets just take a minute and think about the fact that I will be in some of those pictures- pictures that will live on FOREVER! great!

Moving on...

As Justin was trying on his suit I was sitting in a chair directly in front of the dressing room. The door had a giant mirror on the front.

Needless to say I got a rather large view of myself.

It was not pretty!

Do you ever think to yourself- "ya I don't look THAT bad. Its okay if I eat that piece of cake "-and then the day comes that you see a picture of yourself. Or if you are lucky like me you get a full view in a mirror. 

You then realize that yes you do look THAT bad!

I have until October 22nd to lose weight.

I will fill you in on my progress.

But I won't start until Monday...

I mean I just got home and I need to get some healthy food.

Don't judge me. Okay you can judge me if you really want to.

Fat Lady Shopping

Yesterday was a very bad. no good day. Justin and I are visiting home as mentioned previously. 

Yesterday I had to go fat girl clothes shopping. Don't get me wrong I so appreciate my grandparents buying me some new clothes that actually fit me but when it comes to the point that you actually have to go shop at the fat ladies store it kinda makes you want to cry. I actually was on the verge of tears yesterday walking out of the dressing room. 

I really don't want to be THAT GIRL!

I really don't want to keep getting bigger and bigger. 

Last year when I had to shop at the fat lady store I ended up dieting and losing 30 lbs.

It was kind of my wake up call.

I think that time has come again.

When we get home next week the dieting begins again.

I DO NOT want to shop at those stores anymore!

But for now, while we are home, with all of the yummy food places, I will gorge myself. 

I mean I do have fat lady clothes now so I might as well use them for a little while ;)

Jumping for Joy

I know its pretty sad but I am beyond excited to go home not only to see my family but to eat! When you live somewhere with roughly 5 options you tend to dream about those food establishments so loved at home.

Justin and I have been compiling a mental list of places to go:

Del Taco

Carl's Jr

Peony's

PF Chang's

Rubios

Oscars

Just to name a few

Okay but in all seriousness after this next week of gorging ourselves to death it is time for me to get down to business. 

I have 6 weeks from the time we get back until the start of the next semester and you know what I'll be doing every day...

working out

&

 eating broccoli and chicken and other healthy, not very good tasting, foods

because this is my feelings towards the scale right now...

Pathetic

Its pretty sad when you are so desperate to get a large cinnastix to go along with your large pepperoni pizza that you search for change in both of your cars, in your nightstand, under the bed, every drawer, etc. But that is exactly what Justin and I did tonight. We already had a punch card filled up for the pizza so that was free and we managed to find enough change to cover the yummy delicious cinnamon sugar cream cheese frosted pieces of heaven!

Hey whatever it takes to make it happen!

Believe me it was so worth it!

Nothing Good

Alright who else out there does this? I swear I stand in the kitchen for a good 15 minutes trying to see if there is anything for me to eat. Usually I conclude that there is nothing because nothing I do have really sounds good. Or I would actually have to put effort into concocting something edible and then I would have to wait for it to cook. 

Now don't get me wrong. I actually love to cook and I think I'm pretty good at it but if I'm going to make a meal it has to be premeditated. 

I can't just walk into the kitchen for lunch and decide to whip some gourmet meal up right then and there.

I am constantly complaining to Justin that we have nothing to eat and he is constantly telling me that there is plenty. Heck he tells me we could live off of what we have in our apartment for a month is we needed to.

Well I'm sorry honey a can of corn is just not gonna cut it for this girl.

Movies

What is it with the absolute need to have popcorn and soda at a movie. Seriously. I cannot sit through a movie without super duper buttered popcorn and my diet DP. There is just something so magical about that combo. O and we can't forget the reeses pieces to eat with the popcorn. Its that whole sweet and salty thing that puts a very large smile on my face.

Luckily our cheap seats here has a deal for 2 tickets, large(unlimited popcorn), and 2 (unlimited) large drinks for 10 bucks! It doesn't get much better than that!

In the pre-previews the theater has a slide that says

Integrity?

Bringing outside food and drinks into the theater is dishonest and can ruin business

or something along those lines

Really?

Can we say guilt trip?

Confession

I have a confession to make. I love Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. I mean I love it a lot. I love it enough that when I eat it I consume a whole box all by my lonesome-and I wonder why I'm fat! DUH! No worries though I use fat free milk ;)

Its a staple around this house and even though there is only 2 of us we buy it in bulk at Sams Club.

Sad.

I know.

please be over...

I'm about ready for my brain to implode. I am over today, this week, this semester! I kinda just want to crawl up in the fetal position and rock back and forth like a crazy person-maybe humming to myself as well. And you know what, all I want to do at a time like this is eat. I can always count on my best friend to be there for me. Food never disappoints-well maybe it disappoints if it gives you food poisoning or when your ice cream falls off of your cone onto the ground :(

Other than that I love it and it loves me.

So for now as I write my never ending papers and finish all of my stupid projects I can feel better knowing that I have my Diet DP and chocolate by my side.

Dressing Room Drama

Guys-do you get as depressed as I do in the dressing room? I love clothes. I ABSOLUTELY love them. The thing I don't love- being too fat to fit into them. I went to the mall today and tried some stuff on and wanted to cry when I looked at myself in the mirror. I mean its bad-my upper arms now have that whole ripple fat effect. Seriously not good. I have a closet full of clothes yet I can wear none of them because they don't fit.

The worst part of it is that not only do I feel like a cow I actually look like one and feeling like a cow just makes me want to eat more. So I sit here with my ripply arms and my sad disposition eating because that is what makes me feel better.

unfortunately...

I love Chinese food. Even more unfortunate-i live in Idaho. Pretty much self explanatory. One big sacrifice of living in the land of the potato is the fact that there are no good places to eat other than the kind that sell french fries. Wonder why?

I miss my southern California where there is so much diversity.

So tonight Justin and I are venturing into a Mongolian Grill and I pray that it is good because my taste buds are begging me for some tasty Chinese! Now lets not fool anybody-of course I don't like real, authentic Chinese food- Yuck! I like the fake, Americanized stuff!!

Grateful for...

soup. That's right guys-today soup has been my very best friend-well besides my diet DP. I was lucky enough to have a root canal done this morning. The worst part of dental work for me is not the pain. The worst part for me is the fact that I can't eat after. Seriously you might as well kill me right then and there. Luckily some genius in the world invented soup. So a couple hours after my root canal I had some delicious soup. The best part is that it just slid right down my throat-no chewing required. So today I thank whoever invented soup because heaven forbid I might lose any weight from not eating!

Why does...

Fast food have to be so bad for you? Why do they make it taste so yummy and delicious if it is just going to eventually end up killing me?

You know how they have the commercials for fast food places with the really skinny, attractive people? Come on now lets be a little more realistic people. We all know that fast food regulars do not look like that!

Even though I know that its bad for me I CAN'T STOP CONSUMING IT!!

Those commercials get me every time. It comes on, I watch, and then I crave.

I end up driving over there, ordering, returning home, eating, feeling wonderful, and then feeling bad that I just ate it!

Its a vicious cycle.

I remember my mom telling me in high school that I didn't think it was dinner unless it came out a drive thru window.

True, very true.

Does this count?

Okay so I didn't do 30 minutes of "proper exercise" today but I did walk to and from my car to class as well as in between classes. Does that count? I'll just tell myself it does ;)

I just got too overwhelmed with all of my stupid homework.

That's really just an excuse but I'm sticking to it.

Maybe tomorrow?

Do you ever...

just feel like this cat looks because you just ate waaay too much? Well that's me right now and I ate almost 4 hours ago and I still feel sick. You want to know what I had for lunch today? A veggie sandwich from a place called Gator Jacks. As I was standing in line waiting to order I was going over in my head whether I wanted a 6 inch or an 8 inch. Logically a 6 inch would do the trick but heaven forbid I might finish eating my 6 inch and still be hungry so to be on the safe side I ordered the 8 inch. I happily returned home, grabbed one of my diet DPs from the fridge, turned on E News, and plopped down on the couch. One of my favorite times of the day had arrived. Lunch time! I just love sitting my lazy butt on the cushy couch, watching some stupid show, and eating! Well I started eating and man did it taste good. After the first half was gone I was pretty much already full but hey I paid good money for the darn thing and it tasted so good so I continued to eat and eat and eat until it was gone. Every last morsel. Then I felt sick. Incredibly satisfied but sick. So now, 4 hours later I sit here attempting to write my stupid paper for class just thinking about how gross I feel. Hmm I wonder what I'm going to make for dinner?

Confession & Goal

See that look on his face? The look of pure satisfaction and enjoyment. That is pretty much me when I take a sip of my ice cold diet DP. You know how I said that I was giving up Diet DP "at home" well it doesn't really work out too well when you just go get one at the gas station every meal. Justin pointed out that we were spending way more money that way so I gave in and bought some today at Walmart. It feels wonderful to have such a close friend back in our home ;) Baby steps people, baby steps. Now with DP back by my side maybe I'll work up enough energy to exercise. Maybe. We'll see. It is nearing the end of the semester which means LOTS of stuff is due and my stress level is high which as we've already established previously makes me eat more. But I'll set a goal for tomorrow anyways...

At least 30 minutes of exercise. I guess I could read for class on a stationary bike with one of those big granny butt seats. Oh and a back rest. I think that might be manageable.

just to clear things up

I did not mean for this blog to seem as some cry for help. I meant it as an honest representation of my life infused with a bit of humor. I think that many people can relate to what I feel like but no one is as open to talk about it as I am. I love life and I just happen to love food too. Now whats so wrong with that ;)

in class this morning...

Was I focusing on the Counter Reformation and effective teaching strategies this morning in class? Nope. I was thinking about what I was going to have for lunch-running over the lists of places I could go which in the thriving metropolis of Rexburg is not very many- and began drooling at the thought of eating. And you know what is pathetic- I was thinking I would go to the school cafeteria and get one of their really yummy sandwiches but decided against it when I figured I would have to walk from my car over there and back which is probably no more than 300 feet. But why would I physically exert myself in any way? Instead I went to another sandwich place in town where I got to park right in front of it. From there I proceeded to go to the gas station down the street for a diet DP and some hostess cupcakes. Wow I'm bad. Now just having finished that and being completely content and happy I have to head to the doctor to talk about my blood pressure, migraines, fatigue, and prediabetes. Yay! Go me! Happy Tuesday y'all!

Extra fun?

You know its getting bad when it is now summer time and none of your "summer clothes" fit. Not one single pair of capri's or shorts. When you have to wrap a rubber band around the button and through the loop just to get your pants to somewhat close something is very, very wrong. Happy 4th!

You know when...

You see someone after they have been gone a while and you think to yourself-man they have let themselves go. You really notice because you weren't around for the gradual weight gain- you just get to see the end result.

Well that person that everyone is going to be talking about is ME.

Justin and I are flying home in less than three weeks and I as much as I am sooo sooo excited to go home and see our families I am dreading the fact that it will have been almost 5 months since we were home last and these past months have not been good to me.

I don't want to get off of the plane and be embarrassed and wonder what everyone is thinking of when they take one look at what they think to be Casey. Yup people, that IS me, and I'm not even pregnant or anything- just nice and fat and unhealthy and not happy about it. Here's the kicker, you would think being so unhappy about it would act as some catalyst for change but it doesn't.

I always read these stories of people who say their turning point came when they saw a picture of themselves-nope seen plenty of those and nothing, nadda, zip.

Or they say they decided it was time when someone mistakenly asked if they were pregnant- nope had that happen too and still nothing (mind you they asked me if I was in the "early stages" of pregnancy. who does that?)

Or they were given the news that they had high blood pressure and were prediabetic- nope still apparently not enough.

Food always wins. It is my greatest foe.

This is the one thing in my life that I feel I have no control over. Its not like drugs where you just give it up and then never have to be around them again.

With food you have to eat it-it is life sustaining.

In my case, however, it could eventually be life-ending.

I know what I am doing to myself but that light bulb, that magical moment, still hasn't happened yet.

Someday.

So for now I get to go home in 3 weeks embarrassed about my weight, self-conscious of what others are thinking in their heads, wondering if I will ever be able to beat my greatest obsession-food.

Mmm Mmm Good

Justin and I have a new favorite around here.

We picked up some of this steak at Sams Club and man is it good in tacos!

We just take a corn tortilla and melt some cheese on it

a little steak

some avocado

sauteed onions and bell pepper

and some corn

so good and so easy.

It only took me about 45 minuted to eat 4 of them due to the fact that I'm almost positive I'm going to need a root canal behind one of my veneers and I can't really chew...you should see me I look like a cow trying to grind it down slowly.

Try it out you won't regret it! Not my method of chewing-the tacos!

No Pickle or Tomato Please

As I sat last night around 7:30 thinking about what I wanted for dinner- but knowing I was too lazy to make anything- Burger King popped in my head. Now I'm not a lover of Burger King usually but when you live in a town with pretty much 5 options to eat at your expectations are a little lower. I knew I should probably grill a chicken breast and eat some broccoli but why would I when I can eat a meal that is easily 1200 calories at best. So I had a little internal battle with myself for a good 15 minutes...

Rational: Should I go? Really do I need to?

Food addict: Of course you should go. Think of that juicy cheeseburger and those salty fries all washed down with that diet coke (now remember I only said I wasn't going to have soda at home-that by no means means I wont order it when I'm out!)

Rational: Yes, but you always feel fat and gross and this will just add to it.

Food addict: This one meal isn't going to make that big of a difference, plus i feel feel so good when I eat it.

Rational: Maybe this one meal won't make a difference but when you eat like this practically every meal it will.

Food Addict: O well. I'll eat better next time. Burger King here I come.

Fast Food: 1

Me: 0

Needless to say I did eat that meal and it was delicious when I ate it and then I felt gross afterwards. You think after repeating this cycle over and over again I would learn, but nope, i don't.